


A Bucket Full of What the Fuck

by animehead



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Dual Masturbation, Explicit Language, Humor, M/M, Masturbation, Orgasm, Tentabulges
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-25
Updated: 2012-08-25
Packaged: 2017-11-12 20:43:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/495453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/animehead/pseuds/animehead
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave could have let Karkat finish his drawing. Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, he thought of another way to keep Karkat distracted.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Bucket Full of What the Fuck

Eyes hidden behind sunglasses, Dave watched curiously as Karkat scribbled across the paper like a gorilla with a crayon, dumb and slowly. Less like one of those genius gorillas that people live with in the jungle and more like a stupid one who couldn’t decide whether to yell at the crayon or shove it in its mouth. 

 

“You better not being drawing any grids over there,” Dave said. He rested his back against a heavy box of who-fucking-knows, the hard cardboard digging into his spine, ironically, of course. 

 

Karkat, who’d been doing a fantastic job of ignoring Dave’s annoying, douche, asshole glasses pointed toward his direction, pulled his attention away from his drawing long enough to stare at Dave. 

 

“No grids today,” Karkat said. “If you _must_ know, since your stupid human curiosity has obviously gotten the better of you, I’m working on something new. It has nothing to do with grids and plenty to do with mind your fucking business.” 

 

“More human dicks then.”

 

“Fuck you.”

 

Unable to take anymore of the box sticking into his back, Dave adjusted his position. “Whatever it is, I can already tell you it’s shitty. Matter of fact, bring it over here and I’ll critique that bitch like a professor. All red penning over the half ass paper you just turned in the night before it was due. Bring your crap drawing over here. Let me critical think about how much of a piece of shit it is.”

 

Their conversation, if you can call it that, was cut short when someone called for Karkat’s assistance with something obviously stupid since he was forced to be surrounded by nothing but stupid people, trolls or otherwise. When Karkat returned to his drawing, he was furious to discover that someone had made some serious alterations to it. 

 

“Fucking Strider!” Karkat snatched up the drawing and stomped over to Dave who was currently sitting in nearly the same spot he’d been in when Karkat left. “I know you did this, you insufferable prick. And do you know _how_ I know, Strider? Do you know _how_ I know? It’s because you’re the only person in this slew of fucking fucktards who has a nook quivering, bulge twitching, obsession with drawing human dicks. _That’s_ how I fucking know.”

 

The drawing _had_ been an image of Karkat hanging himself, the significance of his death being seen as a sweet, merciful, escape from the morons he was forced to live with. But now, his crudely drawn lifeless body had an enormous human dick pointed at him like a gun. His drawing, which he’d worked so hard on, was sullied but a giant, fleshy, meat rifle. 

 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Dave said. 

 

“Oh, su-fucking-prise. What a classic fucking douchewad response from the biggest doucheward onboard. You know, I have a great idea. How about you take a closer look.” Karkat shoved the drawing in front of Dave. “Better yet, open up. I’m going to cram this ugly, paper human dick right in your protein chute.” 

 

“My what?”

 

“Open your rancid human mouth!”

 

And with that shouted as loudly as possible, Karkat attempted to shove the drawing into Dave’s mouth, which only led to the two of them tussling on the floor and ending up behind the massive box of who-fucking-knows. 

 

Their battle ended in a tangle of limbs, Karkat slumped on top of Dave, one of his horns pressing dangerously against one of the lenses of Dave’s glasses. 

 

“What the fuck is that?” Karkat asked when he felt a lump of something sort of hard digging into his hip. He reached down and used his sharp nails to curiously poke at the lump hidden beneath Strider’s ridiculous jackass pajamas. 

 

“Dude, get off,” Dave replied. He pushed at Karkat, struggling beneath him. “That isn’t some dead squirrel you found in your grandma’s backyard that you feel like poking with a jagged ass stick. It’s my penis. You know, like the mega one you drew a few minutes ago. And it’d be cool if you didn’t stab it with your Wolverine claws.”

 

Karkat glared. “I didn’t draw that, you did, you craphole. Maybe if I use one of these wolverine, whatever that is, claws to deflate your human penis, you wouldn’t be such a smug shithead.” 

 

“You can’t deflate a dick, bro,” Dave said. “Well, I suppose you can, but--”

 

“Okay, before you continue,” Karkat began. “One, I’m not your bro. Two, you look thirsty, so I’m going to offer you this can of shut the fuck up. I don’t need your puny human brain getting an aneurysm trying to explain something that I don’t want to fucking hear about. Just let me see for myself.”

 

“What?”

 

“Oh my jegus, Strider. You’re steering the ignorant bus straight pass stupidity. The breaks are shot and it’s hurdling down fucktard hill with no chance of stopping. We’re zooming pass dumb as bricks and not stopping until we get to motionless, lying in a bed completely unresponsive, vegetative state. A one way trip to vegetable city. That’s we’re you’re taking us. Here. I’ll make it easy for you. _Show me your human dick_.”

 

“No.”

 

“Yes.”

 

“No.”

 

Yes.”

 

“No.”

 

“Fucking do it!”

 

“Okay.”

 

Karkat had to pause at that. “What? Really?”

 

“Yeah, just... back up. I don’t want to put your eye out or anything.”

 

“Human dicks are that big?” Karkat asked. Now he was really curious. How could they conceal them so well in their pants? 

 

“No, just mine.” After a bit of maneuvering, Dave managed to pull out his cock. It jutted out, hard, white, and a little bit pink at the tip. 

 

Karkat quirked a brow, eyes narrowing at Dave’s dick. “ _That’s_ big to humans?”

 

“Gigantic.”

 

“Doesn’t look that big to me.”

 

“That’s insulting.”

 

“Good. Clearly, I would insult you seeing as though I hate you and your strange human penis.” Karkat reached down and paused once to say, “I’m going to touch it.”

 

“Cool. Whatever.”

 

 “O-Okay...” Karkat stammered. “I mean, right. That’s right it’s cool. You should be happy that someone like me, someone who is clearly your superior in every way, has even humored the idea of touching it.”

 

“If you’re scared then don’t do it,” Dave said. 

 

“Scared?” Karkat forced himself to laugh. “Yes, Strider. This would be me terrified of touching your flesh pole.”

 

“That’s stupid.”

 

“You’re stupid. Shut up. I don’t have to fucking impress you!” With a huff and a mostly steady hand, Karkat wrapped his fingers around Dave’s cock and squeezed. 

 

“Ah, w-wait,” Dave hissed and grabbed Karkat’s wrist. “Do I look like a cow to you? Does my dick look like it’s hanging from a utter, all loose and dangling and shit? Is there an old man sitting on a tiny stool next to a bucket anywhere around here, cracking his knuckles, ready to just dive in?”

 

“What the hell are you talking about, Strider?”

 

“Don’t squeeze my dick like it’s a stress ball, bro.”

 

“Stop calling me your bro. I’m not your bro. And stop referencing shit I’ve never heard of. Cows and utters and old men with buckets... Shit.”

 

“Shit what?”

 

“Nothing. It’s nothing.” Karkat answered. “What do I... How do I do this thing?”

 

Dave shrugged. “You just rub it.”

 

Okay. He could do that. Rubbing was easy. A moron could rub. Not that Karkat was a moron or anything because he certainly was _not_ a moron. He had a list of fucking morons ranging from the biggest most moronic moron to least moronic moron, but still a moron, and nowhere on that list was _his_ name. Ergo, Karkat was _not_ a moron. 

 

Karkat rubbed, back and forth, almost petting Dave’s human dick. He watched his hand for a while, his gray skin heavily contrasting against Dave’s pale, white, flesh. When he looked up, he smirked at Dave, a taunting, toothy, sort of smile before speaking. “Impressed aren’t you?”

 

“Yes,” Dave answered. “I can’t imagine there’s anyone on any planet in any world who could somehow manage to rub my dick like he’s petting a fucking Persian cat.”

 

“Stop making stupid human references!”

 

“Do it like this,” Dave ordered. He wrapped his own hand around Karkat’s and showed him how someone was supposed to get another guy off. 

 

Without holding his breath, Karkat managed to actually be quiet while allowing Dave to manipulate his hand. Occasionally, he would look up at Dave, but seeing the pink tint of his cheeks and not being able to see the intensity of his eyes, thanks to those stupid glasses, he opted to stick with just staring down at their hands and Dave’s human penis. 

 

For one brief moment, Dave paused when he felt Karkat lean down and then surprisingly soft lips pressed against his own. He hissed softly when a pointy tooth caught his lip and broke the skin, but he didn’t break the kiss. 

 

It wasn’t long before he was panting and squirming beneath Karkat, his hips bucking into their joined hands, increasing the pleasurable friction that the two of them had going. 

 

“Fuck,” Dave moaned, his hand falling from Karkat’s who seemed to have figured out exactly what Dave liked with a little help from Dave. 

 

“Shit,” Karkat breathed against Dave’s lips. “I knew I should have...”

 

“Should have what?” Dave asked, still panting, still thrusting, and still _moaning_. 

 

“The bucket,” Karkat answered. “I should have went back for the bucket.”

 

“What?”

 

“The fucking bucket, Strider,” Karkat whispered yelled. “The damn thing that idiot Egbert thought would be a great fucking way to deliver a bullshit letter. Metal, skinny little handle that usually rests at the side before you pick it up and drag it away along with your shame? A fucking bucket. Ever heard of it?”

 

“We don’t need a bucket,” Dave said. “Just keep... ah.. fuck... doing that.”

 

Still speaking in a whispered yell that only he could do--which Dave found amazingly sexy in an ironic sort of way--Karkat replied, “Don’t tell me what to do. And don’t tell me what we need. We need a fucking bucket.” Karkat continued to stroke Dave’s cock, firm tugs of his hand, making the human whimper and roll his hips below him. Using a single finger, Karkat curiously slid his finger across the tiny vertical slit across the tip. 

 

Dave shut his eyes behind his glasses. He was pretty much at his limit now. Apparently, arguing with a fucking textbook example of a manic depressive troll was a kink that really did it for him. “Fuck, Karkat, ahh...” He gripped Karkat’s wrist once more, blunt human fingernails digging into Karkat’s skin as he powerfully jerked his hips and came all over Karkat’s hand. A bit of his cum rolled down Karkat’s wrist and onto Dave’s own fingers. 

 

“Is that it?” Karkat asked. “That’s not even enough to coat the bottom of the bucket. Jegus, Strider. You’re pathetic.”

 

“I told you we didn’t need the damn bucket,” Dave said after a moment of calming his breathing. “This is a no fucking bucket zone over here.” Dave sat up a bit and stared down Karkat. “Well?”

 

“Well, what?” 

 

“Don’t you want me to do you? You know, return the favor and all that shit?”

 

“Did I fucking ask you to return the favor?” Karkat asked. His cheeks were warm and he knew if he had been cursed with the same ghostly white skin as Dave, the Douchebag King of Doucheshire would have known he was blushing.  

 

“What are you afraid of?” Dave taunted. “Is mine bigger than yours?”

 

“Please. You wish your human dick, which is quickly and shamefully decreasing in length, I may add, was anywhere near as spectacular as my bone bulge.”

 

“Then stop vomiting pointless words and show me,” Dave countered. 

 

Giving Dave yet another of his trademark glares, Karkat growled and pushed himself to his knees. “Fine, but don’t come crying to me after this beat down your overinflated ego is about to get.” 

 

Still kneeling, Karkat quickly yanked his pants down and stared cockily at Dave. “Amazing, isn’t is, Strider? Puts your human dick to shame. The most shameful of shames, really. I didn’t want to do it, but you asked for it.”

 

Well, this was kind of fucked up. As far as Dave could see, Karkat didn’t have a dick. All that idiot did was blabber about bone bulges and here Dave was waiting to see one and instead he saw nothing. Maybe this called for a more careful inspection. Or a fucking 300x magnifying glass. Either way, Dave leaned in, his eyes peering down at this supposedly amazing whatever-the-fuck-it-was-supposed-to-be. “How do you...” Dave jerked back when something slithered out from _somewhere_. It was a lot less of what he’d been expecting and a lot more pink and slick and dripping. “So... How do I...”

 

Dave cried out in surprise, shock, and a little bit of terror when Karkat’s uh... _bulge_ wrapped around his wrist and tugged it forward. “Your gigantic human dick couldn’t dream of doing this,” Karkat whispered. 

 

“That’s by far the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard you say,” Dave replied. “Which is astonishingly amazing. Really, it just blows my mind. Consider my mind all exploded the fuck up in here. Seriously, someone stuck some C-4 in there and now brain matter is everywhere. It’s on the walls. It’s on the ceiling. It’s dripping from the curtains. Excuse the mess. It’s just my brain confetti.”

 

“Shut up, stupid human.”

 

“Fuck off, dumb ass troll.”

 

Dave used his other hand to run his fingers along Karkat’s crazy ass alien troll dick. It was incredibly sticky and kind of gross, but the way Karkat gasped and shuddered under his touch was enough to make him want to keep touching it even if it was by far, the craziest shit he’d ever done and lately, he’d been doing a lot of crazy shit. 

 

“S-Strider, stop. The bucket...” Karkat whimpered. His knees buckled under Dave’s touch and he knew the absolute fucking ridiculousness of it all was going to be too much for him to last longer than a few minutes.

 

“Would you shut up about the stupid bucket?” Dave whispered. “Use your lame ass shirt like I plan to do as soon as you--”

 

“Strider!”

 

Dave grew silent, once again from a mixture of surprise, shock, and terror. This time, however, it had to do with the tsunami of red that spurted all over him. It definitely explained why Karkat kept blabbering about that bucket. Dave really hoped that wasn’t blood.

 

“...Are you okay?”

 

“Fucking brain dead human. I told you we needed the bucket.” Karkat said. 

 

“What are you complaining about?” Dave said. “Most of it got on me. Better not have gotten on my cape... ironically.”

 

“Shut up, Strider. No one cares about your superhero pajamas. Not like anyone could tell anyway.”

 

With knees still trembling, Karkat crawled over Dave’s legs and sat next to him. “I still hate you. Just so you know. None of _this_ , which is _nothing_ , has changed how much I would love to pulverize your weak human skull.” 

 

“Yeah, I know.”

 

“Good.”

 

“Okay, then.”

 

“Right.”

 

“Yep.”

 

“Good.”

 

“Wonderful.”

“Shut the fuck up, Strider!” Karkat slumped against the giant box of who-the-fuck-knows and frowned. “What the fuck is in this box anyway?”

 

“Shit if I know,” Dave said.

 

With a thoughtful grunt, Karkat stood up and peered inside the box. He screamed when eyes stared back up at him and he toppled backward when none other than his demented clown of a best friend popped out of the box. 

 

“Fucking maniac pie eating, Faygo guzzling... How the fuck long have you been in there, you retarded ass clown?!”

 

Gamzee shrugged. “I was in here just doing the motherfuckin’ thing. I was gonna’ tell you, but I didn’t want to mess up a motherfucker’s groove, brother. Didn’t want to toxify  the motherfuckin’ atmosphere and shit.” 

 

“”God damn it, Gamzee,” Karkat shouted. “Fuck it. Give me the fucking bucket. I’m about to beat this poor ass excuse for an anything within an inch of life.”

 

“Yeah, well, have fun with that,” Dave said. He didn’t have time for this Jack-in-the-Box bullshit. He had more important things to do like figuring out what the hell had just happened between him and Karkat. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_The End._

_Or is it? Yeah, it is. I’m not writing shit else._


End file.
